you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
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I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
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I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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