Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
