I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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