she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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