I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
