I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
