His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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