im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
