Your mouth is God's brothel.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
you made out with another girl for some wings
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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