She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
