Cold hands, warm shart.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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