"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
