My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
this will be a night to untag.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
