Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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