there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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