I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
