I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
