TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
