Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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