Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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