I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I didn't notice because vodka
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
