Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
