Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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