so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
