I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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