I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
