there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I wish there were birth control emojis
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
