GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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