apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
