I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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