I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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