I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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