You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
