if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
