But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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