In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
