Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
