I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
