do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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