I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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