hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You made out with two different species that night
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
