i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
