I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
