My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
