my mouth tastes like poor choices
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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