so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
