Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
