I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
