There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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