i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
