Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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