I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
