i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
