Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
