some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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