So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
