Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
This house was built for laser tag.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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