shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
